GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra
A Review by James Murphy
Intelligence:
Director: Stephen Sommers
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
Certificate: 12 A
Running Time: 2 hours
Now showing in cinemas
Mission Dossier:
‘GI Joe’ is an elite military unit, called to action when a weapons shipment is stolen by an arms dealer and his private force, codenamed ‘COBRA’. Enter ‘Duke’ and ‘Ripcord’, the new ‘GIs’ who must defeat ‘COBRA’ and save the day …
Main Review:
It’s been a mixed bag for summer movies. ‘Transformers 2’ was fun but overcrowded with redundant characters. ‘Harry Potter 6’ was spectacular but overlong. But there were no duds until ‘GI Joe’.
‘GI Joe’ is marketed as popcorn patriotism and adrenaline fuelled fun. I love that genre, as do most punters. Consequently, the film won a big opening weekend. But I was expecting a Jerry Bruckheimer/Michael Bay/Tony Scott type effort, even though none of those masterminds is involved with this film.
The trailers were deceptive. Yes, there are some visual nods to ‘Top Gun’, ‘The Rock’ and ‘Armageddon’ in the film. You even get hints of ‘Star Wars’ and the 007 franchise. But the visual tributes are choked by too many computer graphics and by a cast of heroes devoid of charisma and bereft of chemistry.
Marlon Wayans’ Ripcord is there to inject some comic relief to proceedings. But he’s just not needed, as we get unintentional laughs from his colleagues (for an ‘elite’ team, ‘GI Joe’ gets its backside kicked by the baddies an awful lot). And besides, Wayans lacks a compelling leading man with which to trade quips. Our ‘hero’ (Duke) is played by Channing Tatum, the most boring actor I have ever seen.
The casting people did try and compensate for the charisma vacuum. ‘Get that Scottish guy..‘Doctor Who’’, might have been shouted across a studio meeting. And David Tennant would have been perfect as the sharp suited, Scottish villain, McCullen (watch an ITV drama called ‘Secret Smile’).
Instead, they got Christopher Eccleston, Tennant’s immediate predecessor as ‘Doctor Who’. And Eccleston is not having fun here, his discomfort and disdain disguised only thinly. Eccleston is a great actor, but his presence is physical, real and unsuited to Hollywood products even at their best, let alone to this soulless drivel.
There are glimmers of hope. The film is directed by Stephen Sommers, whose 1999 ‘Mummy’ film was charming. So, there are some quality cameos in this film, notably Arnold Vosloo as a face changing villain and Dennis Quaid as the GIs’ commander. There are also stunning shots of Egypt and Paris and matching tricks with lighting and sound. And the storyline makes genuinely innovative forecasts about weapons technology.
But nothing can save the film as a whole, which critically just fails to entertain. The dialogue is lame, the editing too slow, the score undistinguished and the plot designed solely to set up a franchise that nobody asked for.
So, what if you have to sit through ‘GI Joe’? IE: for your kids (over 12s only, please: there is some nasty violence on display). Or you just need to hide somewhere for two hours because you are on the run? Good luck to you.
Try and focus on the unintentional irony of the prologue. It’s 17th century France and an arms dealer is being tortured for ‘selling to both sides’. The French are punishing duplicity. Failing that? Look at the nice redhead, Rachel Nichols. Or think about taking up the kind of super Kung-Fu displayed by Snake Eyes (Ray Park).
And spare a thought for Sienna Miller. Sienna did some method acting for the film, getting into character with martial arts and fitness training. Her character entrances men everywhere, breaking hearts as an inevitable consequence. No doubt Sienna found that character impossible to identify with? Joking aside, one glimpse of Sienna just about makes it worth enduring this awful film.
Rating: 1 out of 5. Awful. It’s a ‘GI No’. Go and play with the action figures instead. You know you still have them..
A Review by James Murphy
Intelligence:
Director: Stephen Sommers
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
Certificate: 12 A
Running Time: 2 hours
Now showing in cinemas
Mission Dossier:
‘GI Joe’ is an elite military unit, called to action when a weapons shipment is stolen by an arms dealer and his private force, codenamed ‘COBRA’. Enter ‘Duke’ and ‘Ripcord’, the new ‘GIs’ who must defeat ‘COBRA’ and save the day …
Main Review:
It’s been a mixed bag for summer movies. ‘Transformers 2’ was fun but overcrowded with redundant characters. ‘Harry Potter 6’ was spectacular but overlong. But there were no duds until ‘GI Joe’.
‘GI Joe’ is marketed as popcorn patriotism and adrenaline fuelled fun. I love that genre, as do most punters. Consequently, the film won a big opening weekend. But I was expecting a Jerry Bruckheimer/Michael Bay/Tony Scott type effort, even though none of those masterminds is involved with this film.
The trailers were deceptive. Yes, there are some visual nods to ‘Top Gun’, ‘The Rock’ and ‘Armageddon’ in the film. You even get hints of ‘Star Wars’ and the 007 franchise. But the visual tributes are choked by too many computer graphics and by a cast of heroes devoid of charisma and bereft of chemistry.
Marlon Wayans’ Ripcord is there to inject some comic relief to proceedings. But he’s just not needed, as we get unintentional laughs from his colleagues (for an ‘elite’ team, ‘GI Joe’ gets its backside kicked by the baddies an awful lot). And besides, Wayans lacks a compelling leading man with which to trade quips. Our ‘hero’ (Duke) is played by Channing Tatum, the most boring actor I have ever seen.
The casting people did try and compensate for the charisma vacuum. ‘Get that Scottish guy..‘Doctor Who’’, might have been shouted across a studio meeting. And David Tennant would have been perfect as the sharp suited, Scottish villain, McCullen (watch an ITV drama called ‘Secret Smile’).
Instead, they got Christopher Eccleston, Tennant’s immediate predecessor as ‘Doctor Who’. And Eccleston is not having fun here, his discomfort and disdain disguised only thinly. Eccleston is a great actor, but his presence is physical, real and unsuited to Hollywood products even at their best, let alone to this soulless drivel.
There are glimmers of hope. The film is directed by Stephen Sommers, whose 1999 ‘Mummy’ film was charming. So, there are some quality cameos in this film, notably Arnold Vosloo as a face changing villain and Dennis Quaid as the GIs’ commander. There are also stunning shots of Egypt and Paris and matching tricks with lighting and sound. And the storyline makes genuinely innovative forecasts about weapons technology.
But nothing can save the film as a whole, which critically just fails to entertain. The dialogue is lame, the editing too slow, the score undistinguished and the plot designed solely to set up a franchise that nobody asked for.
So, what if you have to sit through ‘GI Joe’? IE: for your kids (over 12s only, please: there is some nasty violence on display). Or you just need to hide somewhere for two hours because you are on the run? Good luck to you.
Try and focus on the unintentional irony of the prologue. It’s 17th century France and an arms dealer is being tortured for ‘selling to both sides’. The French are punishing duplicity. Failing that? Look at the nice redhead, Rachel Nichols. Or think about taking up the kind of super Kung-Fu displayed by Snake Eyes (Ray Park).
And spare a thought for Sienna Miller. Sienna did some method acting for the film, getting into character with martial arts and fitness training. Her character entrances men everywhere, breaking hearts as an inevitable consequence. No doubt Sienna found that character impossible to identify with? Joking aside, one glimpse of Sienna just about makes it worth enduring this awful film.
Rating: 1 out of 5. Awful. It’s a ‘GI No’. Go and play with the action figures instead. You know you still have them..
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